For some nervous systems, boundaries can feel like a betrayal. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set them—but it helps to understand why they might feel so difficult to create, especially with certain people.
For those with particular attachment styles or early experiences of abandonment, disconnection, or chronic loneliness, a boundary can feel like a shock. It can feel like re-traumatization—like a reenactment of an old wound. That doesn’t mean, under any circumstances, that you should avoid setting boundaries. But it does explain why it may feel so hard, whether you’re the one setting the boundary or the one receiving it.
Maybe you’re someone who struggles to set boundaries because you’re afraid of hurting someone else. Or maybe you're the one who feels deeply hurt when a boundary is set with you. If you’re highly attuned to others, deeply sensitive, or conditioned to prioritize other people’s needs and emotions over your own, boundaries can feel terrifying. You might recognize that you're causing someone pain, or feel that pain yourself.
But boundaries are medicine. They are how we stay true to ourselves without abandoning the relationship. They allow us to remain connected without resentment, in authenticity, and with truth.
And they’re not only medicine for you—they’re medicine for the other person too. Boundaries teach the nervous system that disconnection isn’t inevitable. That someone can have a self, and still be in connection. That love doesn't have to mean enmeshment. That safety and individuality can co-exist.
Boundaries are a gift to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
Still, it's important to know that pushback is normal. The other person may not understand right away. They may feel hurt or betrayed. But when you hold the boundary with clarity and love, you create the possibility for real healing, not just for your nervous system, but for theirs too.
Over time, and with practice, we can teach our bodies and the collective nervous system of the world that it is safe to have boundaries.
